I am not a referee. And this is not a game.
Today I read about a new AI platform called “CoupleRef.” Positioned as an alternative to couples therapy, CoupleRef promises to deliver “clinical-grade relationship support” that “acts as a Neutral Referee in live conversations.”
I have no doubt that, given the right prompt, an AI tool can generate excellent relationship analysis and suggestions. Technology is impressive and information is abundant. But information is not the same thing as transformation.
Almost every couple I work with has, at some point, asked for “homework” — exercises to do between sessions to improve communication or deepen connection. And almost every couple struggles to follow through consistently. Not because they don’t care. Not because they aren’t intelligent or motivated. But because this is relational work.
The patterns couples get stuck in are not cognitive puzzles waiting to be solved; they are emotional dances with protective moves learned over a lifetime. Couples seek couples therapy because they haven’t been able to change their patterns of engagement on their own. If insight were enough, they would already feel better.
Can a bot inspire such change? I’m dubious.
Perhaps it can offer structure, and scripts. But lasting change requires more than neutral analysis. It requires emotional safety, being seen, and someone who can attune not just to words, but to tone, hesitation, body language, history, and the unspoken longing underneath the conflict.
Couples therapy wrestles with what it is to be human with another person in a way that nurtures and supports everyone. A couples therapist is not a referee keeping score. Conflict is not a game to be officiated. My role is to slow it down, and help each partner understand the other’s inner world, not determine who is right.
To be fair, what CoupleRef has over me is this; 24/7 availability. I would not be a happy camper if a client wanted an impromptu session to resolve a conflict at 2am. But is that really what people want? Couples therapy on tap? Impromptu middle-of-the-night conflict arbitration? Can anyone absorb new information effectively in that way?
Sometimes what a relationship needs is not instant feedback. Sometimes it needs a pause. Or sleep. Or courage to sit with discomfort long enough to understand what is really happening underneath.
Technology can be a tool. But healing a relationship is not about finding a neutral referee. It’s about learning how to turn toward one another again. And that kind of work still happens best between human beings.