In Or Out

 What happens when a couple can’t even agree on whether or not they should try couples therapy?

More often than not, when a relationship gets to this point, one person is motivated to try and make it work (we call that “leaning in”) and one is inclined to end the relationship (“leaning out.”) In these situations, Discernment Counseling can be the most helpful option.

 Discernment Counseling is a type of counseling for couples when one partner is strongly considering leaving the relationship. The goal of Discernment Counseling is for both individuals to achieve clarity and confidence in choosing the direction for the relationship, based on a deeper understanding of what has happened, and each partner’s contribution to the problems.  It is not a long or belabored process; it transpires over 1 -5 sessions. For up to four sessions, the couple decides at the end of each session if it would be beneficial to continue the work of discernment, or if the goal has been achieved.

 It's also important to understand what Discernment Counseling is not. Discernment Counseling is not focused on solving problems. Rather, the focus is on determining if the relationship’s problems can be solved. It’s not about immediate change. There is no homework. No skills are taught. No ‘enactments’ are played out. The Discernment Counseling process ends when the couple decide on one of three paths going forward: 1) maintain the status quo of the relationship, 2) separation and/or divorce, or 3) commit to couples therapy with separation/divorce off the table for a period of six months.

If you and your partner are stuck in limbo—unsure whether to move forward together or apart—Discernment Counseling offers a structured, time-limited space to gain insight and clarity. Rather than trying to fix things immediately, it helps both partners reflect on the deeper dynamics of the relationship and decide on the most constructive next step.

Whether you're the one leaning out or leaning in, this process can help you both better understand what went wrong, what’s at stake, and what might be possible—before making a life-altering decision. The goal isn’t to save the relationship at any cost; it’s to help each person feel confident and grounded in whatever path is chosen.

If you’re asking yourself, Should we stay together or break up?—Discernment Counseling might be the compassionate, non-pressured process that brings clarity.