Muscle Memory

On a recent trip to Hanoi, dear friends took my spouse and me to a restaurant that serves just a single dish:  Bánh Cuốn, a rich broth with rice dumplings and Vietnamese herbs. Most restaurants in Vietnam serve their patrons outside, café style, and much of the cooking takes place outside as well. As you see in the video above, that was the case for this meal. We watched the cook expertly pour the dumpling batter onto a hot griddle, add the filling, and fold up the dumpling in seconds. Over and over, again.

Transfixed by this scene, I thought about the ways in which muscle memory operates in human relationships. Sometimes that relational muscle memory is a good thing, such as when a partner “turns toward” their spouse when they are making a bid for connection. But, of course, that muscle memory can also undermine relationships, such as when couples reflexively slip into the same argument they’ve had many times before.

Fortunately, I find that even the couples that fall into autopilot arguments as fast as that Vietnamese cook makes dumplings can break negative cycles. All couples can learn to recognize emotional flooding and how to self-soothe quickly and effectively. They can gain skill at using language that gently initiates difficult conversations. They can become better listeners. They can acquire tools for effectively discussing perpetual-challenge issues. And they can build practices that increase fondness and admiration. These are all skills and habits that can be taught and practiced and mastered.

 And while these skills and habits may feel foreign at first, muscle memory does develop. The results can be quite delicious.