No Instruction Manual
When I work with couples, parenting conflict is a regular theme. Of course, it is! Kids don’t come with instruction manuals. Everyone wants to do their doggone best. And nine times out of ten, there’s going to be an issue that two caregivers don’t see eye to eye on. Whether it’s co-sleeping, toilet training, responding to tantrums, or picky eaters; big feelings and opinions behind an even bigger desire to be the best parent possible can set us on a collision course.
When I was pregnant with my daughter, a friend gave me a book called, Our Babies, Ourselves: How Biology and Culture Shape the Way We Parent by Meredith Small. I wish I were still in touch with this friend so that I could thank her again. Our Babies, Ourselves zooms out for an anthropological survey of how culture influences the beliefs and norms of parenting. For every culture where one tact is the norm, there is another culture referenced that embraces the opposite approach. Small disproves the “conventional wisdom” of virtually every cultural norm.
Why is this important? Because avoiding the ‘either/or’ trap helps us to converge different perspectives. We cannot say (outside of violence); “This is the right way to parent. This is the wrong way to parent.” Knowledge is always filtered through individual perspectives and cognitive abilities. Different people, due to their unique experiences and vantage points, may perceive just a partial aspect of a complex reality. And child-rearing is most certainly a complex reality.
So, if no one is empirically ‘right’, how do you collaboratively move forward? By following the compass of your shared values. By asking yourself, what feels right for us? For our family? If you are in conflict with your partner, explore what is under your partner’s beliefs, as well as your own. What would be your ideal dream? Is there a disaster scenario that lurks in the imagination of not having this dream honored? How does this issue connect to something you know and believe deep in your heart? Answer these questions for yourself, and just as important, ask and listen to the answers of your parenting partner.
There’s no one-size-fits-all approach to parenting—and that’s okay. Instead of trying to win the “right vs. wrong” debate, successful co-parents learn to navigate differences with empathy, curiosity, and shared values. Whether you're co-sleeping or sleep-training, baby-led weaning or spoon-feeding, the key is working together as a team.
If parenting stress is putting strain on your relationship, couples therapy can help. At Quartermaster Counseling, I work with couples to turn parenting conflicts into opportunities for connection. Together, we chart a course that’s right for your family.
