It Takes Two to Tango

Do you ever feel like you and your partner are stuck in the same disagreement on repeat—no matter how hard you try to resolve it? You’re not alone. In couples counseling, this is known as a circular pattern—a repetitive, predictable cycle of interaction where each partner’s behavior both influences and is influenced by the other’s. These patterns can feel frustrating, demoralizing, and at times, even hopeless.

As a couples therapist, one of my primary goals is to help partners recognize the specific dynamics that keep them stuck. These patterns rarely begin the same way every time. In fact, depending on the subject or emotional trigger, either partner might initiate the cycle. But once it starts, the steps are usually familiar—like a dance you've done before.

So where do these patterns come from? Often, they’re rooted in early attachment experiences, family-of-origin dynamics, and personal coping strategies developed over time. Maybe one partner learned that being vocal (even demanding) was the only way to get their needs met. Or maybe the other partner learned that vulnerability wasn’t safe, so shutting down became a survival strategy. When these histories collide in intimate partnership, disconnection can easily follow.

In emotionally focused therapy (EFT) and other research-based approaches to relationship work, we identify these cycles and name the underlying emotions and needs driving them. Once each partner can step back and see the pattern—not as something one person is causing, but as something they’re both caught in—everything changes. From this clearer, more compassionate place, new conversations become possible. This work isn't about assigning blame—it's about helping each partner understand their role in the pattern and learn to reach for each other in new, healthier ways.

Ready to Change the Dance? If you're tired of fighting the same fight and longing for a new way forward, couples therapy can help you identify and shift these patterns—together.