What 'The Bear' Teaches Us About Being Heard in Relationships
“Heard.”
I unabashedly love the Hulu show, ‘The Bear.’ As you probably know, the drama/comedy features an incredibly lovable cast of characters trying to give life to a Chicago restaurant. Because of the show’s popularity, many food-industry terms — “Hands!” “Yes, Chef!” “Behind!” – are now part of our common vocabulary.
“Heard” is my favorite. In its purest, kitchen brigade sense, the response is a confirmation. It means a lower-tier cook has listened to, understood, and will execute the instruction from a senior chef. But there are moments in the show, especially in Season Five, when “heard” carries greater symbolism. In fact, Chef Carmy, who has historically sat atop the chain of command, often utters “heard” in response to Sydney, the talented chef he has often micromanaged. Here, he is flipping the script on traditional brigade de cuisine lingo. And Carmy is also changing the dynamic that has which has contributed to keeping him and Sydney stuck in an unhealthy communication pattern.
What Being 'Heard' Actually Looks Like in Therapy
Many men and women come to couples counseling in order to increase "feeling heard in a relationship." Couples often recount –or reenact—arguments in which both parties feel horribly misunderstood. They take turns explaining their point of view on the conflict. And while one talks, I can see that the other is waiting their turn to provide the alternative perspective. But with that style of communication, no one is having the experience of being “heard.”
There’s another way. I encourage my clients to give the gift of dropping the defensiveness and really listening to their partner describe their feelings and needs, temporarily suspending their thoughts about their own position. Then, the listening partner shows what was “heard” by reflecting back those feelings and needs, and even validating them with a statement like, “That makes sense to me that you would feel that way, I would, too, in a similar situation.” This is where the magic happens.
Giving the gift of hearing your partner name their feelings, share their needs, then demonstrating they were “heard” by reflecting back those feelings and needs, and even validating them with a statement like, “That makes sense to me that you would feel that way, I would too in a similar situation.” This is where the magic happens.
I don’t advise couples to simply state “heard” when their partner has shared a feeling or a need. But something adjacent can be the beginning of a productive conversation. “Heard” can also sound like, “I didn’t realize you felt upset about that. I’m glad you’re sharing this with me. Can you tell me more?”
The next time you and your partner find yourselves in a familiar argument, try borrowing a page from ‘The Bear’. Before you defend your side, ask yourself: Has my partner actually felt heard? Not just listened to, but truly understood? It’s a small shift from waiting for your turn to talk to reflecting back what your partner needs. And it often makes the difference between a fight that repeats itself and a conversation that moves you both forward. If you and your partner are ready to break out of old patterns and learn to communicate in a way that actually lands, Gottman Method couples therapy offers concrete tools for exactly this kind of listening. Reach out to schedule a session, and let's start practicing "heard" together.