When Not Seeing Becomes a Habit: Protecting Your Relationship in Difficult Times
“It is possible, even easy, not to see people’s suffering in front of your face. This ability not to see is an essential survival skill in America today.”
Wow, this sentence stopped me in my tracks.
The context was an op-ed describing a congressional hearing in D.C. But my couples’ therapist brain called up many sessions I’ve conducted lately. There is undoubtedly a lot of suffering happening in the U.S. as of late. More than I can recall in my 57-year old lifetime. And somehow, life must go on. Dinner must be cooked, the gas tank must be filled up, children cajoled into brushing their teeth. The dishes aren’t going to put themselves into the dishwasher.
But what is the relational cost when we stop seeing someone else’s suffering? Especially when the person suffering is our very own beloved?
What the Gottman Research Shows
Relationships need all parties involved to be attuned to the needs of the other. The Gottman Method of Couples Counseling often refer to this as “turning towards” a bid for connection from a partner. This can range from providing an engaged response to a low-stakes question (such as, ‘What do you want to do this weekend?’) to how we respond to an important statement (like, ‘I’ve been feeling really lonely and sad lately.’) When we respond to our partner with eye contact, thoughts and feelings, we are “turning towards.”
The Gottmans found that Turning Towards was one of the greatest predictors of relationship longevity. Their research showed that couples who stay together turn towards each other’s bids 86% of the time, while couples who ultimately divorce do so only 33% of the time. And yet, we are living in a time that is requiring us to subconsciously build the ability to not notice suffering. So how do we guard against letting this ‘skill’ seep into our most primary relationships?
Practicing Relational Mindfulness
The concept of Mindfulness went mainstream in the US about 15 years ago, riding the wellness wave into pop culture. Relational mindfulness is the practice of present-moment awareness while interacting with others. It helps us stay engaged, empathetic, and emotionally regulated during conversations. Relational mindfulness relies on tuning into one’s own thoughts and emotions as you engage, actively observing your partner’s verbal and non-verbal cues, and paying attention to the sense of connection between you.
Relational mindfulness doesn’t require a meditation cushion or a wellness retreat. It can be as simple as putting your phone face-down when your partner starts talking. Or noticing the tension in their shoulders before they’ve found the words. And asking, “How are you doing with all of this?--” and actually waiting for the answer.
The world outside your relationship may be requiring you to develop thicker skin. But your relationship deserves a different set of rules. The person across the dinner table from you is not background noise; they are your person. And turning towards them, especially when it’s hard, is one of the most radical acts available to us right now.
If you're finding that the stress of the moment has quietly created distance between you and your partner, couples therapy can help you find your way back to each other. I work with couples throughout Washington State via telehealth. Reach out— I'd be glad to talk.