“I Know You Are But What Am I?” — A Couples Therapy Reframe

Remember that sing-song retort from the playground: “I know you are but what am I?” It was classic recess material for 2nd graders, right alongside “I’m rubber, you’re glue; whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you.”

As silly as it sounds, this phrase reminds me of a powerful tool I often recommend in couples therapy when partners are working on improving how they handle conflict in marriage or long-term relationships. It’s called The Assumption of Similarity.

This concept was used by John and Julie Gottman when developing the Rapoport Intervention, named after Anatol Rapoport, who studied conflict resolution between nation-states.

What Is the Assumption of Similarity?

The Assumption of Similarity challenges couples in conflict to do this:

• When you assign positive qualities to yourself, look for the same qualities in your partner.

• When you assign negative qualities to your partner, reflect on whether those qualities also exist within you.

This practice interrupts black-and-white thinking and shifts the focus from me vs. you to us together.

Why It Works in Couples Counseling

By assuming similarity, partners disrupt the tendency to see one another as fundamentally different or opposed. Instead, they foster empathy, cooperation, and emotional regulation.

For example:

• Thought: “Here we go again. He’s catastrophizing and blowing this out of proportion.”

• Reframe: “Well, to be fair, I’ve also jumped to worst-case scenarios at times…”

Or:

• Thought: “Why am I the only one who’s organized?”

• Reframe: “Actually, she’s very organized when it comes to other areas of our life…”

This reframing encourages common ground in conflict and helps couples communicate without defensiveness or escalation.

Bringing It Back to the Playground

Sometimes marital conflict really can feel like being back on the playground, complete with knee-jerk “NOT ME!” responses. But instead of digging in, try the Assumption of Similarity challenge.

When couples practice this shift in perspective, they not only reduce conflict but also build trust, compassion, and teamwork in the relationship.